I can’t breathe. I can’t think. We lost the baby. I lost the baby. Even if I was ‘only’ 5 weeks… it hurt so much. Oh Watcher had I been so stupid to think I could carry a baby to term at my age? Was I going to fail my mother’s legacy before it even started?
“I can’t do anything today.” I whispered. I was surprised I could even speak.
“I’m here for you, when you’re ready.”
“I don’t think I’ll every be ready.” I whispered, silent tears running down my cheeks. “It’s all my fault.”
“It is not. Don’t say that, Selena.”
No matter what he said, I knew it was my fault. He wasn’t the one who had been carrying a baby. He wasn’t the one who lost the baby either. For days I didn’t leave the house. Somedays I couldn’t even bear to get out of bed. I didn’t know what to do. Derek, he tried everything, he really did. He tried to get my mind off of it. Little dates right at home. When I finally went out, went back to work, I went to the gym after. Working out to fight off pain was something I did. I did it after Ramon, I did it now. I don’t know what to do anymore. My whole life, I thought I’d be a mom. What if I can’t even do that?
I was laying down on our bed, after another long day. How I made it through today, I don’t know. One of my co-workers announced she was pregnant, and I just kept thinking ‘that could have been me’. I tried not to cry at work…but now I was here, at home, alone. Derek wasn’t back home from work yet. Everything came rushing back to me and it took all my might not to start full-on sobbing.
I rolled over to look at the clock we’d put up. 9:00. Had I really been just laying here for 2 hours? I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out.
“Are you in here?” I heard the door creak open, and I did my best to not look like I’d been crying for 2 hours. I wiped the tears off my face. He smiled as he came in. “Hey! Guess what? I got a promotion!”
I smiled for the first time that day. He’d been wanted this for a while now. “That’s great!” Suddenly I realized my voice was still off from my earlier sob-fest, and it didn’t sound right.
“Selena, are you okay?” He gently pulled me closer. “I know a lot of stuff has happened, and…”
I really wanted to say, that, yes, I was ok. But instead the word I found coming out of my mouth was “No.”
And with that admittance, I felt all my walls crashing down, and just felt so vulnerable, laying there in my husband’s arms. I felt like the small little girl I was, with no control of my life.
“Selena, I love you. You know that, right?” I nodded, crying. “You mean everything to me.” Leaning closer, he added, “It’s going to be ok.”
I knew that everything may not be ok. I knew that. But those words were what I wanted to hear. Not, ‘You’ll get pregnant’ or ‘It wasn’t meant to happen’, but just a simple promise that everything would turn out ok. It was what I needed to believe right now.
A/N: I tried to convey a realistic portrayal of what Selena is going through right now. About 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and with so many women that have gone through this, I really want this to seem realistic because it is very hard to go through a miscarriage for some women, especially if the pregnancy was planned. If you have any comments or feedback for this chapter (and the next few) I would really appreciate it. Thanks! 🙂