The days leading up to the two week mark were filled with just pure uncertainty. The idea of being pregnant at this moment, carrying me and my wife’s baby was just so overwhelming. But of course, there was also the fact that I might not even be pregnant and we’d have to wait to do another transfer, plus how hard it would be emotionally to come all this way and not be pregnant right now. I was subconsciously checking everything that wasn’t normal for a sign of being a pregnancy symptom. But, since nothing can be easy, the estrogen injections can make me feel the same way being pregnant would. But do I feel pregnant? I don’t know. Nothing much has changed in the way I feel, not exactly perfect, but alright. It was extremely hot today, so we all ended up coming to work not in work clothes, but summer outfits. I swear if I tried to put on a suit jacket, I’d burn to death.
“Adelaide! My gosh, girl, you’re so out of it today!”
I blinked and looked over at Irena. “Sorry. Um, where were we?”
“Our plan since our Mayor got re-elected.”
“Right. So obviously we can still work on her focus on education, and updating some of the buildings that are in dire need of some help.”
“And what about the new green-energy laws the world is implementing? How are we going to work with them?”
“We could follow them,” Noemi laughed.
Irena rolled her eyes. “I know that!”
“Well, it’s that simple. We just follow what they told us to implement.”
“They want…no more air pollution whatsoever? So only solar/wind energy?”
“And water,” I reminded her.
“Right. How are we supposed to not have any air pollution, though?”
“Well, it almost killed us all, so… we’d better try our hardest.”
“You’re right. Didn’t you save the world around a year ago?”
“I helped. Anyway, we’re a beachfront town, so I’d definitely say we should focus on water based energy.”
The only person besides Lexie who knew we were trying was Lyric. I’d told her a few days before the transfer. She was my best friend since as long as I can remember, and I decided to tell her the truth about why I couldn’t meet up with her that day. I’d felt especially disgusting that day and felt like doing nothing except laying in bed. She’d told me first when her marriage had begun unraveling, and it was just easy to talk to her. It always has been, that’s why we were best friends since we met in third grade. She was coming over today to just chat about everything while Dani was at a gardening meeting and Lexie was at work. Lexie’s work hours are pretty crazy, she works through the night from like 9 pm to 3 am.
“See you later, sweetie,” Dani whispered, kissing my hands.
“Love you,” I replied, smiling.
“Your friend’s coming over later, right?”
“Yeah, Lyric should be here in about twenty minutes.”
“Good. I don’t want anything to happen to my possibly pregnant wife.”
I blushed, kissing her. “Thank you for the concern, sweetheart, but I don’t want you to be late for your meeting.”
“Love you,” she replied, smiling.
Dani has been so insanely sweet throughout all this. Ever since I started taking birth control, and then the injections, she’s been really supportive and there for me. I’m so glad she’s my wife. It took no time at all for Lyric to arrive. I just had some applesauce as to hopefully not upset my stomach. It was pretty sketchy whether or not I’d get nauseous. I typically didn’t, but yesterday was pretty bad and I wanted to be able to enjoy my time with Lyric.
“Hey, Lyric! It’s been, what, a few months?”
“Yeah, life’s crazy! In fact…” she leaned in, bringing her voice to a whisper, “I’m engaged.”
My eyes widened, looking at her excitedly. “Lyric! That’s great! I’m so excited for you.”
“Yeah, we’re getting married Saturday. We’re only bringing two other people besides our parents. My maid of honor and his best man.”
“Small and sweet. That’s nice.”
“And…will you be my maid of honor?”
“Of course!” I smiled, hugging her.
“You’ve been my best friend since third grade, how could you not be? Anyway, back to you. You and your wife are having a baby!”
“Hopefully. We find out in two days.”
“Aww. You guys deserve to have a happy family.”
“What about you, Lyric? You and your fiancé thinking about kids?”
“In one or two years, yes.”
“Hey, our kids will grow up together,” I giggled.
Lyric laughed, surprised at the thought. I suppose she’d never through about it before. “They will!”
It doesn’t matter how much time passes, when Lyric and I get to talk, it’s like no time has passed. We talk just as easily as we did in high school, and as we did in third grade. What we talk about has changed through the years, but our friendship has stayed the same. It seemed like we’d just started talking when Dani came home.
“Have you kept my wife safe?” Dani asked Lyric jokingly.
“Haha, see for yourself,” Lyric laughed, and I got up, kissing my wife slowly.
“Gosh, get a room!”
“This is our house,” I laughed.
“True. I’ll leave you to it, see you soon,” Lyric said, leaving Dani and I alone.
“Hey, sweetie. I got something. We don’t have to -”
I opened the thin plastic bag she’d just picked up from the coat hook. I didn’t even have to pull the small box out before I knew what it was.
“We don’t have to try it, I just got it in case we did…”
“I want to know. I do. But I’m scared.”
“I know,” she replied, pulling me into a close embrace.
“And no matter what it says, it’s going to be okay.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, the word so soft I wasn’t sure if I’d even said it.
“So, we’re doing it?”
“I can’t wait two more days…”
I slid the test out of the box, staring at it. How was it that the line that would or wouldn’t show up – that one line – would show our future. And there was other one that simply said pregnant or not pregnant…
“Yeah, I know.”
I came out of the bathroom with the two tests in my hand and laid them on the counter, looking at my wife in anticipation.
“I’m not looking,” I said.
She took my hands in hers, whispering softly, “It’s ok. And these could be wrong…”
Tears streamed down my cheeks even though we didn’t even know what they said yet. Dani’s eyes were just as scared, and I saw tears fall down her face too.
“I love you,” I murmured.
“I love you,” she whispered back, crying.
“If it’s not – ”
She pressed a finger to my lips. “Then we’ll keep trying. I’m really scared, Adelaide.”
My voice caught in my throat and I just pulled her closer to me, hoping we wouldn’t have to deal with that. The five minute timer rung and I looked into her eyes carefully.
“This is it.”
As I watched Dani walk back over to the counter where I’d left the test I felt my stomach roll from the nerves. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to not get my hopes up too much. I’d been trying to not be too hopeful, but it was hard. Every day it got harder to not think about if I was pregnant or not.
I looked up at her and just knew the minute I saw her face what it had said. Her silence said it all. It hadn’t worked. I got out of the chair and got over to see for myself what the tests said. I pick up the first one and my heart drops as the two lines we’re supposed to see – the ones that mean pregnant – aren’t there. There’s only one line. I pick up the other one and see the same result – except spelled out so simply – not pregnant. And I can feel it. I can feel my heart shatter into a million pieces as the tears start to fall. I break down sobbing as Dani holds me, and I can feel her shaking too.
We knew what would happen if it worked. We knew that. It would bring joy and happiness and laughter. We’d plan for the baby and think about the future. You know, the easy things to think about. The happy ones. But we didn’t fully think about what would happen if it didn’t. How much it would break us. I wanted to believe the first time would work. But now, instead of telling the good news and getting ready for this next step, it’ll be more tests. And more injections.
“It’s gonna be ok,” Dani murmured, for herself as much as me. I just hold her tighter, wondering if a person can actually be broken. We try one more test, just to make sure, and when I read the negative result, I know the answer is yes. I’m devastated, and I don’t think I was ready to be.
I take the next day off. I don’t think I could even go to work after that. I don’t think I could go anywhere. I spend the day in bed, doing absolutely nothing besides having the tv running, but not really watching it. I never heard Dani leave, so I know she didn’t go to work either. We should be talking… but I can’t. Talking is the last thing I want to do right now. Just looking at her makes me think of what could be. That embryo could have been our daughter. Would she have had Dani’s eyes or mine? Blonde or red hair? That night, I look at her, really look at her, and feel extremely emotional. And then waves of sadness wash over me for being sad from looking at my wife, who I love.
I go to work on Monday, but end up leaving early. I thought I could do it, but I just had to buy another pregnancy test just to see if it had been to early, but the same negative result leaves it fresh in my mind which just makes it worse. I leave work absolutely miserable and feeling pretty much like a failure for not being able to make it through just a simple day of work and for not being able to get pregnant. I’m a 27 year old woman, I should be able to simply get pregnant!
It’s Wednesday that’s the official appointment to get the results, but after four failed pregnancy tests, I’m sure nothing’s changed. I don’t even want to go. Usually I can’t wait to go, since the visits get us closer to our baby girl, but this time it’s just confirming it didn’t happen. It’s not moving forward. We were supposed to be happy, and thrilled, and talking about the future and our bundle of joy. But it didn’t happen that way.
I take a few tests and we wait in the room for them to come back with the results. I already know what they’re going to tell us, so I brace myself. Every time I think about it, my heart drops. I don’t want to break down in front of him when I hear it for the first time. I’ve never heard it. We’ve never said it. Never. We’ve never talked about it. Our glances and silence did the talking for us. I don’t know if I’ll be able to take it when Dr. Brennan comes in the room and says it didn’t work. That I’m not pregnant.
He comes in the room and says, “The test was positive.”
I blink, looking from him back to my wife, and down to my stomach. What? But… no. It can’t be. It can’t be positive, can it? He seems to understand the confusion, as he begins to talk again.
“Adelaide, you’re pregnant.”
“What?” I whispered, hardly able to speak.
I’m really pregnant.
A/N: Hey, sorry this didn’t get up yesterday, we were busy celebrating my sister’s birthday! 🙂 Anyway, writing this chapter was actually pretty emotional, and seeing the pictures and all made me feel sad… What about you guys? Did I do a good job?